I decided I would write this down, in hopes to have a place to look back and have a reality check-in when I need it during the next few months when I know stuff will get crazy for me.
Today it was a feeling of rush and stress, before my makeup was even on, heck, before I was even out of bed! I dreamt about work all night, and it felt like I had already been at work for a full 8+ hours, before my Wednesday morning had even started. The rushing memories of these feelings came haunting back when I woke up this morning realizing that I cannot allow for this type of stress to take over my life again, and will not! I allowed for that to take over back in 2011-2013 and ended up in the hospital on 1/1/14, and not just for rest & relaxation, but due to lack of interest in self-care, due to overwhelming stress, that led my body to diabetic ketoacidosis. Yeah, say that about 10 time in a row. Anyway, I decided to take time to walk into the living room where all the dogs and my hubby were this morning and picked up my puppy. I cuddled with her, even though at first she wanted to just keep playing with Zeus. After she calmed down, I was able to finally get her attention, and get some puppy kisses & snuggle time from her. Then, the other dogs came to me and also wanted some of mama’s soft petting and it was a joy. Hubby gave me my coffee and it was a morning by the big windows and morning sun that I never get to enjoy. A small amount of time to just breathe and remember what’s important. I then decided it was time to start getting ready for work. After my shower, I felt I was still thinking about work, and overly stressed still. I told hubby about our weekend plans, and expressed how I am just not in the Christmas spirit this year. I’m just not feeling it. I’m not even sure I want to decorate! That’s huge for me, because I ALWAYS look forward to this time of the year. We decided maybe we would do so a little, and maybe not bring out the big 9ft tree, and just bring down the 6ft tree only. I agreed that would be fine and we could still dress up the mantel. He suggested bringing down the decorations tonight to help move that along. Before leaving, we embraced in a very long kiss. It was nice and so comforting, and so what I needed.
On my drive to work, I started to think about 2016 and how in March we’ll celebrating our 10 year dating anniversary (yes, we are that couple) and in October, we will be celebrating our 5 year marriage anniversary. How cool will it be to finally get over to Paris next year and celebrate there in the fall, and take photos, and how lovely will it will be finally have something we’ve both been dreaming about to happen at key milestone years? Then it got me to thinking, what do we need to do now, what do we to start doing now to prepare ourselves overall, whether that’s physically, financially, emotionally, etc., to ensure it happens. Then I pictured us, sitting around our 6ft tree in the soft glow of the Christmas lights with hot cocoa, talking about our plans, revisiting our memories of 2015 and before, and looking forward into 2016. Remembering how much I love our life, how much I love my husband and the life we have built together. I have so much to thankful for, and so much look forward to. I will always have stress, and while I am thankful for my job that provides for me and my family and the luxuries we get to enjoy because of it, I cannot allow for the everyday, monthly, quarterly, stress get the best of me. It’s not worth it, those that deserve the best of me, are my family and friends, and even my teams/co-workers who I also respect and hope that the energy I bring to the table is calm (as it can be) and permeates from me, to them, to allow that peace to be passed on to others.
Photos in this post were taken by Rachel at Rachel Meagan Photography
